Why does onion have to be such an asshole? When you’re being chopped up into a thousand pieces, is it too much to ask not to make someone cry like a bitch? I had to chop up an onion for lunch today and by the time I’d finished I was bawling like Chris Crocker. (If you’ve forgotten who Chris Crocker is, follow this link: Leave Britney alone!)

Speaking of Chris Crocker, I was amazed and perplexed to find that since having his Britney hissy-fit, he is now an “internet celebrity”. Why is it that every man and his pooch can be a celebrity these days? And for doing such inane, mind-blowing crap. I swear I could fart  on video, post it on YouTube and become a celebrity. Any dumb-ass can be one these days. In fact, having two brain cells is twice as many as is required to make a truckload of money. Paris Hilton became a celebrity for doing a sex tape! 50 years ago she would have been shamed and exiled from society. Now she’s a celebrity.

If you type “dumbest celebrity quotes” into Google, every single list has Paris Hilton on it. Here’s some Paris Hilton gold:

“I’m so smart now. Everyone’s like ‘Take your top off.” Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid.”

Sorry, Paris, but there is far too much evidence to suggest the opposite. Not to mention the fact that unless you live on the moon, every person in the world has seen your boobs. I think you’ve forgotten that it’s how you got famous in the first place.

Some other words of wisdom imparted from Paris are:

“What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?”

“I don’t really think, I just walk”

“What’s a soup kitchen?”

“I love Africa in general. South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”

“Everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me.”

Hang on a minute….everything? Are you dead? Have you had leprosy? Have you had your leg bitten off by an angry, wayward sloth?

Speaking of stupid celebrity quotes, Brooke Shields once said “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost an important part of your life.” That’s very true Brooke, in fact you’ve lost the WHOLE THING!